WITH THE bowling season now underway, my phone rings on a more frequent basis, so much so that I've caught myself giving unsolicited instruction to telemarketers who - having dialed my number with the intention of selling me aluminum siding, a chimney sweep service and/or the U.S. News and World Report - hang up on me abruptly when I start discussing leverage, axis and static weights in a bowling ball. But what the hell. "An eye for an eye," that's my motto.

Nonbowlers aside, I do get a number of calls from players whose questions range from the mentally sublime to a subterranean level best described as advanced dementia. But wait, I'll let you be the judge.

A guy calls from Louisville, Ky., and wants to know what I think of Walter Ray Williams Jr. I tell him, "I think he's a great bowler."

He replies, "Yeah, but what do you think he'd average on shellac?" I answer, "Friend, I don't even know what I would average on shellac!"

Then he says, "What did you think of Don Carter?" I submit, "Don Carter did more to popularize bowling than any player in the history of the sport."

"So you don't think Walter Ray is that good," he states. "I didn't say that," I retort.

"Well, who in your opinion was the greatest bowler?" he snaps. "Earl Anthony," I reply. "He won 41 PBA titles and finished second about the same number of times." "I think he could have won more championships if he had handled pressure better," he counters.

By now, I'm seething. Then it hits me. I know just the guy who can handle this nut. I give him John Jowdy's phone number and hang up.

Music, Music, Music
One morning, not long ago, an elderly gentleman from Houston calls and says, "I've played this game since I was 9 years old and never had a real problem until the last two seasons. Maybe you can help me. For almost 20 years, I've been bowling at this local center just outside Houston. It's a great establishment: ideal conditions, well-maintained, and the service is excellent. Everything was going well until they started to pipe music through the center's sound system at the beginning of the season last year."

"Aha," I intercede, "The music disturbs your concentration and, in consequence, you don't bowl as well as you can. I suggest you talk to the proprietors and see if they will cut the music off during the league session or, at least, turn the sound down to an acceptable level."

"Well, that's not exactly the problem," he replies. "I actually bowl better when they play good music, like country. It's when they play those damn rock 'n roll tunes that I get in trouble. The younger bowlers around me start humming and whistling that stuff, and the next thing you know, I lose all of my concentration."

After a momentary pause, I facetiously suggest, "Why don't you buy a set of ear plugs and insert them when they play something you don't like?"

"That's an idea," he says enthusiastically. "I'll try it. Thanks a lot." That was three weeks ago. Haven't heard from him since.

Lasering In on The Problem
The phone rings and a man asks to speak to Tom Kouros. "That's me," I reply.

"You're the guy who wrote Par Bowling?" he asks. "Right," I acknowledge.

The next question came out of left field. "What do you think of laser golf?" he asks.

"You mean laser bowling," I rebut. "No," he says, "I mean laser golf."

"I know nothing about it," I concede. "Furthermore," I go on, "I know very little about golf, and refuse to play the game until they install ball returns." For a moment I feel somewhat smug about my stab at humor, but he never acknowledges it.

"Well, you should learn about laser technology because that's the coming things in sports," he declares. "I don't get the connection," I reply. "Well, let me explain it to you," he says.

"More and more golfers," he began, "are using laser technology to accurately gauge distance. Here's how it works. They use a device that resembles binoculars and includes laser optics, similar to what the military used in Desert Storm. Holding it up to their eyes, they aim it at a target and push a button that instantly provides them with a digital readout of the distance. Even more, they can use this device to show golfers exactly how far they carry the ball with each club. Lasers are also being used on golf carts, thus showing the clubhouse where the golfers are at all times.

"What does this have to do with bowling? Well, plenty. To begin with, if lane oil were treated with a certain additive, a bowler could be fitted with a special set of laser optics that would enable him to see where and how the oil was distributed on the lane. This would serve as a panacea, because as the oil..."

While he continues to talk, I start looking up Jowdy's number again.